Shhhhhhhh....

I find myself in the bathroom a lot lately.
Not because of my anxiety ridden irritable bowels, but because I need to hear... NOTHING.
It doesn't usually work though.

The summer is LOUD.

My brain spins with the words, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

At the beginning of summer it is sorta welcoming. I missed being able to hang around the house with the kids, in our jammies together. I missed taking them to the snowball stand. I missed just being able to do something with them without worrying about homework, or school nights.

Unfortunately, that happiness usually turns into a different feeling by mid-summer.

The structure of the school year is lost. And they become WILD ANIMALS.

I look at them and think, "WHO ARE THESE STRANGE LITTLE PEOPLE!" They certainly aren't MY children!

Trying to find something for them to do can be tortuous. Especially if the pool is green or I am out of crafts.
Or meds.

If it is a day that nothing is planned and "Ralph" from the other side of my brain, has emerged, then I scrape up my last bit of elbow noodles, some glue, and construction paper to pass the time for them,  and to find some QUIET TIME of my own.

I drag my lifeless body to the bathroom, as if it is an OASIS of sanity. But it only lasts for a sweet little moment.
Because the banging of the door begins. "Mommy! Are you in there? I need to come in!"

No. You. DOOOONNNNTTTTT!!"

No quiet.

I pull out all the spices in my pantry and let them start mixing their own concoction of nastiness. Then I attempt to sneak outside for some silence. But it is short lived.
"Where ya going Mommy??"

Leave. Me. Alooooooonnnnneeee!

No quiet.

Ok. I get it.
THEY NEED ME.

One thing Motherhood ALWAYS abundantly provides...
GUILT.

But they need me healthy and sain, RIGHT?
Well, that requires silence for me.

I NEED IT.
Or they will be counting mufflers.

I joke. But yes, the bathroom. It is my happy place.

The car... It is also my happy place. When I am alone with my thoughts, and some good music it rejuvenates my SOUL. And I am better for it.


I was in my car, on my way to teach Vacation Bible School today. It was early, I was half dead, and I was ANYTHING but alone.
After the last neighborhood kid crawled in my car to sit down, I realized that she made #8 in my 7 seater Saturn Outlook.

Damn.  I didn't do the math before I left.

The kids had been telling me there was no more room in the car.
But I didn't REALLY  know what they were saying.  They were all telling me at once, in a loud screechy way.
So I just blocked it out. And said, "uh huh", the way us Mommas so often do.

When it is that early in the morning, with no coffee, and a pitiful sandwich baggy of Cheerios for breakfast, I am usually occupied with feeling sorry for myself.
BUT... they did warn me of my mathematical screw up.

 I turn the music up so I can feel better,  but this only makes them talk LOUDER.

So I turn it down.
"Turn it up!" Carly yells.

So I do.

Same story.

No quiet.
Although, that is an obvious scenario where NO quiet would exist.

I get to the church and start my first class. Its hotter than hell outside and it has gone from "Mommy Mommy Mommy" to "Miss Leslie, Miss Leslie, Miss Leslie".
This sound is nothing new, my children's friends are at my house alot.
But once again, I haven't had my quiet yet.
Different kids, same twitch.

I glanced over their heads at a little peaceful area set back between the trees.
There is a labyrinth. With a little bench in the middle of it.
It is much smaller than the one in the picture above, probably 10ftx 10ft, but same idea.

It is a circular maze where you walk to find peace. Silence. Alone time with God. WHATEVER you are searching for.

The maze will EASILY take you to the center where you end up at the bench.
Ahhhh, THE BENCH.

A place to sit and rest. A place to meditate. A place to get away from little children screaming in your ear.

Oh how I wanted to sit on that bench.

And I would!

As soon as the first group left.

Before I headed over to the Labyrinth I decided to open up the umbrella on the patio set that was out there. Why?  I don't freakin' know. I guess I figured it would make it seem more like a vacation than a sweat fest.
So I open it.
But there was a wasp.

I have been stung by a wasp before. In my eyeball.
It ain't nice.

Before you know it I have engaged myself in wasp murder, forgetting all about the maze of sanity.

The next group comes, with suckers sticking out of their little mouths. In no way ready for my blindfolded obstacle course.  That is all I need.
So I'm pulling suckers out of mouths left and right.
Yours wasn't the red one? Well, it IS now.

Oh but beyond the madness... the labyrinth.

Quiet time.

What does it feel like?
Will it give me the peace I SO long for.
Is it an out of body experience that will rejuvenate and refresh me for the rest of the summer?

I've got to get to it!
And mainly, to the bench of tranquility. Ahhhhh.

Second group gone.
No blow pop tragedies.

I'm making my way to it.

It's there.

Right in front of me.

No one else in sight.

I scope it out from above. It looks simple enough.
Just follow the little maze that will lead me RIGHT TO the, oh so awaited bench.

I step in.
And I start the slow walk towards the middle.
Finding my peace.

I am surrounded by beautiful oak trees, God...SILENCE.

It weaves its way around in a simple manner so obviously leading to the center.
As I walk it, slowly, I imagine the center being MY center.

That once I reach it, I will in fact feel centered, calm, ready to face the rest of the day.

I smiled.

Briefly though.

Because quickly, the smile turned into utter confusion...

...and it happened.


I passed up the bench.


I passed it up and started weaving my way back out of the labyrinth.

"WHAT THE EFFIN' CRAP!" I said outloud.

The more I weaved AWAY from the bench, the more pissed off I got.

It was simple, self explanatory...
BUT STILL... I could NOT get to the center. The maze led me AWAY.

It was quiet all around me, but my mind was screaming.

The labyrinth couldn't even help me.

It PUSHED me out of it!

I am not entitled to sanity. I knew it!

As I looked down at the center edge of the circle, the end of the path, I felt as if it was the end of the earth. And I was ready to just jump off.

But I said, NO. It will NOT defeat me!

I turned around slowly, peered at the stupid bench, then broke what I am guessing is the almighty labyrinth rule. I said forget the maze, and I just walked right to the bench.

I sat down.
Looked around.
Felt, NOTHING.

It wasn't the same.
I did it wrong.
The magic wouldn't work now.

WHY!?

How long have I been here?
Is it going to rain?
When is the next group coming?


OK, focus, focus...
Quiet.
FIND the quiet.

Ahhhh, there it is.

There it is.

I've waited too lo...


"MISS LESLIEEEEEEE!!!"


Shhhhhhhhh.... IIIITTTTT!


There's always tomorrow.

I'll be back labyrinth.

I'll be back.